Marital
Impurity:
The
Plight of the Suffering Spouse
A Cukierski Family Article
We give you permission to reproduce our article EXACTLY as it appears.
May God bless you!
"I
read your piece, and it is very fine indeed. -Fr. Stephen F. Torraco"
Contrary
to what many have been led to believe, the Roman Catholic Church’s
ban against the use of artificial birth control has never been lifted.
Many, if not most Catholic pulpits across the United States remain
eerily silent on the subject. Even in the Confessional, spiritual
directives on marital chastity are often vague and ambiguous. Marriage
preparation classes skirt the issue almost entirely; at best, they
may offer a brief overview of Natural Family Planning, with no mention
of the fact that is the couple’s only option (other than complete
abstinence) for the spacing of births (if good and serious reasons
arise, Humanae Vitae #16!) throughout the fertile years of their
marriage.
Despite this virtual “black out” on the Church’s adamant ban against
the use of contraception, there are still Catholics, who by the
Grace of God, have somehow been exposed to the fullness of Church
teaching on marital chastity. Their consciences lead them to obediently
abide by these teachings and they do so, often in scorn, by the
general Catholic population. Still, they persevere, many having
large families while the world looks upon them as outdated and ridiculous.
The spouses find strength in their faith and in each other.
Among this group of traditionally practicing Catholics, there is
another population; silent and unseen, that carries a heavier burden;
specifically, those who are saddened by marital impurity over which
they have no control. It is no mystery, nor is it hard to fathom,
that for some Catholics, the practice of marital chastity is very
difficult, if not impossible, due to the demands of an un-cooperative,
unbelieving spouse. Those who are faced with this seemingly impossible
dilemma have suffered, sometimes for many years, in sorrow and shame.
They may stay away from the sacraments month after month, guilt
ridden and sorrowful, and in the worst case, may eventually end
up leaving the Church entirely because the burden of guilt becomes
too overwhelming.
The Holy Spirit, in keeping with His divine promise to be with the
Church until the end of time, has not abandoned those who suffer
in marriage in this way. Seventy years ago, this subject was mentioned
quite specifically in the Encyclical, Casti Cannubii, written by
Pope Pius XI in 1930. This teaching has been largely forgotten and
is virtually unknown by many who are in desperate need of its teachings.
Following are pertinent excerpts relating to the plight of Catholic
spouses who suffer with marital impurity.
“Holy
Mother Church knows well that not infrequently one of the parties
is sinned against rather than sinning, when for a grave cause he
or she reluctantly allows the perversion of the right order. In
such a case, there is no sin, provided that, mindful of the law
of charity, he or she does not neglect to seek to dissuade and to
deter the partner from sin…For in matrimony as well as in the use
of the matrimonial rights there are also secondary ends, such as
mutual aid, the cultivating of mutual love, and the quieting of
concupiscence which husband and wife are not forbidden to consider
so long as they are subordinated to the primary end and so long
as the intrinsic nature of the act is preserved.
The Holy Father
continued with these words of loving, spiritual guidance:
“We are deeply touched by the sufferings of those parents
who, in extreme want, experience great difficulty in rearing their
children. However, they should take care lest the calamitous state
of their external affairs should be the occasion for a much more
calamitous error. No difficulty can arise that justifies the putting
aside of the law of God which forbids all acts intrinsically evil…
There is no possible circumstance in which husband and wife cannot,
strengthened by the grace of God, fulfill faithfully their duties
and preserve in wedlock their chastity unspotted. God does not ask
the impossible, but by His commands, instructs you to do what you
are able, to pray for what you are not able that He may help you."
For a clearer understanding, some key passages have been highlighted
and given a more detailed explanation.
“Holy Church knows well that not infrequently… The Church
is recognizing, in no uncertain terms, that having an unbelieving,
un-cooperative spouse in a Catholic marriage is more than just an
isolated occurrence. The Church has not forgotten you! If you are
a spouse in this situation, take comfort in knowing that you are
not alone in your trials. Many are with you in spirit, offering
up their own sufferings to a merciful God, just as you are. Join
in this communion of saints!
…one of the parties is sinned against rather than sinning,
These precious, comforting words are meant to convey a hopeful message
of non-culpability on behalf of the submitting spouse. When your
spouse, to whom you are conjugally obligated, refuses to cooperate,
you are left with no alternative except to comply. The Church, in
its wisdom and mercy, acknowledges this. In submitting to the will
of your spouse in this way, even though it involves a perversion
of the right order, you are not held culpable in the eyes of God.
However, there are several conditions attached to this, including
the following passage which must be taken to heart and understood
completely.
…when for a grave cause …Understanding the meaning of these
words is crucial. The words “grave cause,” imply personal circumstances
of a very serious nature. Great care must be taken before “grave
cause” is used as a reason. That cannot be overstated enough. Remember,
this is between you and God, from whom you can hide nothing.
…he or she reluctantly allows the perversion of the right
order. This can be a fine line to walk; the body must do
what comes naturally, but what the mind and heart do not want it
to do. It is the ultimate test of faith, courage and strength. Our
Lord, before his crucifixion uttered the words, “the spirit is willing,
but the flesh is weak.” In the case of a spouse who must reluctantly
submit to sexual acts, just the opposite is true. It is the flesh
that is willing with a spirit that is not! The submitting spouse
must take heed to ever protect and preserve a spirit of purity through
prayer and meditation. Be careful! Continual compromises against
personal chastity can dull the conscience over a long period of
time. A strong prayer life must be cultivated, including frequent
Confession, lest the spirit of reluctance lessen and the true end
of sexual relations be handed over to lust.
In such a case, there is no sin… In this statement,
the Church has absolved the submitting spouse, in these special
circumstances.
…provided that… he or she does not neglect to seek to dissuade
and to deter the partner from sin…Instruct the ignorant!
Admonish the sinner! Put these spiritual works of mercy into action
in your marriage. The Church does not expect a submitting spouse
to simply “give in” and forget the truth. Even though physically
complying, you are obligated to keep your erring spouse ever mindful
of the sinfulness. This can be a difficult thing to do; especially
in the case of the abusive spouse. Reminders must be occasional,
but consistent; gentle, but firm. Again, it is a fine line to walk.
The ultimate goal of a submitting spouse is to “win over” the heart
of the unbelieving spouse through kindness, good example and prayer.
It can and has been done!
“There is no possible circumstance…Here, the Church
offers her assurance that your problems are not unique. Others have
likewise suffered in the past, and many to come will be facing the
marital challenges that you now face. Be consoled by the Church’s
recognition and sympathy for your sufferings!
…in which husband and wife cannot, strengthened by the grace
of God, fulfill faithfully their duties AND preserve in wedlock
their chastity unspotted. Rooted in the truths of the Mercy
of God, the Church wants you to know that you can hope for the grace
of purity in your marriage. Despite the sorrowful circumstances
you find yourself in - the Heavenly Father assures you of his Grace.
He sees all. He knows exactly the trials you are being tested and
purged with. He promises His abiding Grace to all who seek it. Remember
that trials and sufferings are meritorious and that God does turn
all evil into good.
…to do what you are able, In the sad situation
of being married to an un-cooperative, un-believing spouse, what
you are able to do is keep your own conscience clear and allow yourself
a sense of peaceful resignation to your current plight. You can
attain this by having a correctly informed conscience through awareness
of the true teachings and consolations of the Church. Strengthened
by the sacramental grace bestowed upon you on your wedding day,
you are also able to perform all the duties required of your vocation
and to do what you can to keep the love alive in your marriage.
…to pray for what you are not able. What you are
not able to do is to be the conscience of your spouse. Although
you are “one flesh” you are two distinctly, separate souls. Your
spouse is uniquely accountable for his or her own actions in life
and although you can (and must!) be a good example in faith, ultimately,
your spouse’s salvation is self-determined. Also, you are not able
to change your situation. For better or worse, this is your spouse.
Except for extreme cases, you are bound by your wedding vows and
must remain married to this person until death. Do not waste precious
time with regrets and depression. Perseverance will win you your
crown in Heaven. Praise be to the Lord!
Please
note: The following will help to further clarify issues presented
in the above article.
In 1997, the Pontifical Council for the Family issued a document
called "Vademecum for Confessors Concerning the Morality of
Conjugal Life." It is addressed to confessors and seeks to
offer some practical guidelines for the confession and absolution
of the faithful in matters of conjugal chastity. It also intends
to offer a reference point for married penitents so that they can
draw ever greater advantage from the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
The Vademecum, in its paragraph n. 13, addresses the cases of *cooperation*
in the sin of a spouse who voluntarily renders the unitive act infertile.
(It is necessary to distinguish *cooperation* in the proper sense,
from violence or unjust imposition on the part of one of the spouses,
which the other spouse in fact cannot resist. In such a case, one
could not properly speak of "cooperation.") This cooperation
can be licit when the three following conditions are jointly met:
1) when the action of the cooperating spouse is not already illicit
in itself; 2)when proportionally grave reasons exist for cooperating
in the sin of the other spouse; 3)when one is seeking to help the
other spouse to desist from such conduct (patiently, with prayer,
charity and dialogue; although not necessarily in that moment, nor
on every single occasion.) Furthermore, it is necessary to carefully
evaluate the question of cooperation in evil when recourse is made
to means which can have an abortifacient effect.
Want
more on Catholic Marital Sexuality and questions you may not feel
comfortable asking your parish priest? Check out our booklet on
this page:http://www.cukierski.net/ourbooklet.shtml
Here
is a bit of feedback regarding our booklet:
Your book is
the one and only resource American Life League will ever need. I
plan to distribute your book, at once, to every medical doctor on
our mailing list, and to share it with every listener on every radio
show on which I appear on the topics relating to human sexuality.
Judie Brown, President of American Life League (ALL)
Three women
changed their minds about contraception because of your booklet
packed with Janet Smith's tape! Dr. and Mrs. J. Burnha
I was given
a copy of your book by a patient. It is quite impressive and I feel
that it could do great good for the Church. Thank you for an outstanding
effort. Dr. Kim Anthony Hardey, OB/GYN
I also consider
"What Every Catholic Couple Should Know" to be an accurate
presentation of our Church's teaching in this delicate and vitally
important area. Fr. Phillip Bloom
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